Benefits of Self Love

Is it possible for us to find true love if we have not found our true self? Carl Jung had an interesting theory about the world outside of us being a projection of within. In NLP we call it “Perception is Projection”. So, if we apply that to relationship, to find your "true love", you would need to "truly love" yourself within.

 

On a very basic level we all know that we can never truly understand something until we have experienced it ourselves. We may think we understand but true knowing comes after the personal experience. An obvious example might be loss of possessions or a job, a failed marriage or relationship. We can sympathize with the other person but true understanding and empathy only happens when it happens to us, when we have experienced how it feels.

 

Relationship, like love is a two way street, an exchange of giving and receiving. Tantra teaches us that it is in the receiving that we truly connect. However, to be able to receive is not easy. It requires a switch in our thinking, our belief system. We need to believe that we deserve to receive and in many cases this goes against the cultural upbringing of our society. We are primarily taught that giving is acceptable and receiving, to a large degree, is selfish or greedy. So we focus on the former and suppress the latter. When we are unable to receive, it does not matter how much someone tells us we are loved, we cannot understand or accept it. Thus the exchange, the give and take, the push and pull is thwarted.

 

Many clients tell me they don’t feel loved or appreciated by others. My immediate response is “do you love yourself, do you appreciate your talents?” Usually they hang their head and admit they don’t. So what can we do about this? How can we learn to love and appreciate ourselves so that we can truly accept the compliment, the love offered by others, so that we can learn to receive?

 

We can begin by acting as if. When someone pays you a compliment, thank them and smile. If someone offers to do something for you, accept it with gratitude. When you do something well, thank yourself and smile. Tell yourself every morning that you appreciate who you are and can even love both the good and the ugly in yourself. After a while the very act of pretending to receive becomes a true form of acceptance.

 

One of the five NLP frames is that we are 100% responsible for the results we get. Once we take responsibility we are able to do something about our situation. Instead of wasting time and effort trying to change others, and we all know that doesn’t work, we can focus on ourselves instead. By ignoring or minimizing all the things we dislike about ourselves and empowering everything we like, we begin to grow into that positive model, that person we really would like to be. As Stephen Covey revealed in his Seven Habits, by focusing on the things we have control over, our circle of concern shrinks and our circle of influence expands. So, if you want to attract a fabulous partner or a better life, work on being fabulous yourself and you will find that new you is reflected in your new friends and relationships. Life is then truly what you always wanted.